My Heart is Sad....

  • March 19, 2011 10:00 PM PDT

    I'm a Mortician, My main responsibiblty is removing the deceased from the place of death to the funeral home.

    This is usually a very rewarding experience dealing with familys...HOWEVER....tonight I was dispatched
    to a residence in Vancover WA...we were met in the drive way by the Washington Department for wellness investigations
    and were told the living conditions were that of extreame hoarders...We were floored by the stacks of junk
    and garbage, n I mean kitchen/bathroom unhealthy garbage.
    There were litterally pathways from room to room...the fleas were rampant, the smell was so
    over whelming that my assistant almost could not assist me....

    I will not describe the conditions that the deceased 95 year old was forced to lay/live in...The family made it clear
    from the get go that they were not paying for any funeral costs...HOWEVER...for the diginity this Marine Vet
    deserves I chose to do the removal anyways...My heart goes out to anyone that has family that has little respect
    for them that they have to live their last days in filth n pain....

    RandyJoe...Ride Strong.......I consider myself a tough biker type but writing this welled up my eyes....

    • 0 posts
    March 19, 2011 10:32 PM PDT
    Mate it dont matter who or what a person was we all deserve to be layed to rest with respect and dignity..F#ck this old blokes family.Just do your bloody best mate..CHEERS BOOF
    • Moderator
    • 1364 posts
    March 19, 2011 11:33 PM PDT
    Well said Boof 
  • March 20, 2011 12:15 AM PDT
    Very sad that some people live like that and their own family doesn't give a shite. Thanks for taking care of that Randy you are to be commended but you are a Marine and know what to do when the going gets tough. Webby
    • 2072 posts
    March 20, 2011 2:31 AM PDT
    RandyJoe...... You did the right thing my friend. Like Boof said, respect & dignity...
  • March 20, 2011 2:49 AM PDT
    Can't add anything to what has already been said. Sad testimony to what some people consider "family" in todays world.
  • March 20, 2011 3:09 AM PDT
    I concur.
  • March 20, 2011 4:52 AM PDT
    Thank you all for your comments....HOORAH!
    • Moderator
    • 16870 posts
    March 20, 2011 4:57 AM PDT
    The family was keeping him around for his money no doubt.
    Semper Fi and God's speed to this brother Marine, he is in Heaven now, he served his time in hell.
  • March 20, 2011 6:53 AM PDT

    First, let me say thank you, RandyJoe, for taking care of this man and giving him the respect that you did.  It is awesome that there are still people in this cruel world who do the right thing even if it means a cost to them. 

    If I may (as a newbie to this site) offer a little different perspective on a thing or two?  I understand the feelings of negativity you all seem to have toward the family - but not for the reason you may think.  You see, I am a reformed hoarder who was "sick" for a very long time.  But for the grace of God, I would be ending my days in the same shape this poor deceased Vet did.  The squalor in which he lived was not thrust upon him.  On the contrary, his family had probably tried for years to help him get a grip on it and then finally gave up because he refused to change (as I did for many years).  They were most likely fed-up or "over it" and decided long ago to have nothing more to do with (in their mind) a selfish and obstinate man...even though he had proven he was not selfish by what he did for our country.

    OCD Hoarding truly is a real psychological illness that is difficult to understand and deal with.  Much of the time, families are torn apart due to it.  The one who suffers from it can be blinded to their own destructive habits and obsessions, and the family members who care suffer because it seems to them that the afflicted one doesn't love them enough to change.  Fact is, without the right intervention and therapy, that person CAN'T change even if they want to.  It often takes a combination of therapy as well as medicines in order to help the person be able to make the kind of decisions (to toss or not to toss) that normal people make every day.  There were days when I was so overwhelmed by all that had somehow mysteriously appeared around me that I couldn't function to even throw out obvious junk mail.  Other days, I was so sure that there would be a need for "this" item that to let go of it meant I might never get a chance to have another and would have to suffer because of my decision to get rid of it.  On yet other days, I just knew that unless I made sure there was a good home for my stuff, then somehow it would be too horrible a situation than I could manage.

    All the thinking of a serious hoarder is totally skewed.  It doesn't make sense and is no where near reality to feel like one will die if they don't keep certain things, to believe that things have an actual life of their own so we must take care of them or be considered a bad person, to have such anxiety that to even get rid of garbage is unthinkable...yet this is reality for the hoarder (which is not the same for the simple pack rat).  When sharing my story with some, their responses have varied from "I had no idea - I just thought you were lazy" to "there's no way in hell that this is true".  I was an embarrassment to my family and I never had friends over.  My dirty little secret was just too difficult to explain away or hide.

    Like I said - if it wasn't for grace, I would not have a family today who cared about me.  Matter of fact, they probably would respond much like this family did... angry, resentful, and unable to get past what they perceived as rejection from someone they had once loved.  For more information, check out this link: http://www.ocfoundation.org/hoarding/diagnosing.aspx />
    Thanks for letting me share.

    • Moderator
    • 1516 posts
    March 20, 2011 8:01 AM PDT
    Congrats on your change, it takes a lot of courage and determination to change something like that. I have watched the TV show about hoarding, and it is ingrained in those people.

    Also for pointing out the other side of the story.

    Randy, you are a good guy (I already knew that) you totally did the right thing. Like the others said before me, everyone deserves a proper burial.
  • March 20, 2011 8:13 AM PDT
    RFKleader wrote...

    First, let me say thank you, RandyJoe, for taking care of this man and giving him the respect that you did.  It is awesome that there are still people in this cruel world who do the right thing even if it means a cost to them. 

    If I may (as a newbie to this site) offer a little different perspective on a thing or two?  I understand the feelings of negativity you all seem to have toward the family - but not for the reason you may think.  You see, I am a reformed hoarder who was "sick" for a very long time.  But for the grace of God, I would be ending my days in the same shape this poor deceased Vet did.  The squalor in which he lived was not thrust upon him.  On the contrary, his family had probably tried for years to help him get a grip on it and then finally gave up because he refused to change (as I did for many years).  They were most likely fed-up or "over it" and decided long ago to have nothing more to do with (in their mind) a selfish and obstinate man...even though he had proven he was not selfish by what he did for our country.

    OCD Hoarding truly is a real psychological illness that is difficult to understand and deal with.  Much of the time, families are torn apart due to it.  The one who suffers from it can be blinded to their own destructive habits and obsessions, and the family members who care suffer because it seems to them that the afflicted one doesn't love them enough to change.  Fact is, without the right intervention and therapy, that person CAN'T change even if they want to.  It often takes a combination of therapy as well as medicines in order to help the person be able to make the kind of decisions (to toss or not to toss) that normal people make every day.  There were days when I was so overwhelmed by all that had somehow mysteriously appeared around me that I couldn't function to even throw out obvious junk mail.  Other days, I was so sure that there would be a need for "this" item that to let go of it meant I might never get a chance to have another and would have to suffer because of my decision to get rid of it.  On yet other days, I just knew that unless I made sure there was a good home for my stuff, then somehow it would be too horrible a situation than I could manage.



    All the thinking of a serious hoarder is totally skewed.  It doesn't make sense and is no where near reality to feel like one will die if they don't keep certain things, to believe that things have an actual life of their own so we must take care of them or be considered a bad person, to have such anxiety that to even get rid of garbage is unthinkable...yet this is reality for the hoarder (which is not the same for the simple pack rat).  When sharing my story with some, their responses have varied from "I had no idea - I just thought you were lazy" to "there's no way in hell that this is true".  I was an embarrassment to my family and I never had friends over.  My dirty little secret was just too difficult to explain away or hide.

    Like I said - if it wasn't for grace, I would not have a family today who cared about me.  Matter of fact, they probably would respond much like this family did... angry, resentful, and unable to get past what they perceived as rejection from someone they had once loved.  For more information, check out this link: http://www.ocfoundation.org/hoarding/diagnosing.aspx />
    Thanks for letting me share.I

    I owe you n apoligy...i forgot to mention that he was living with his daughter n her husband n they were his care givers...I understand where you are comming from...and I'm glad you got help....and I didn't directly insult this group of people that were the care givers,,,I said nobody should have to live their final days in filth...
    RandyJoe...Ride Strong... 


    • 114 posts
    March 20, 2011 10:45 AM PDT
    Randy Joe... thank you for being the kind hearted person that you are... Like DebraJo, I have watched the show and am totally amazed at this "illness".
    RFKleader, congrats on your perseverance to overcome what I understand is a very powerful illness....
  • March 20, 2011 1:53 PM PDT
    Thank you all for your kind words of affirmation. When I risk sharing my experience, it isn't always met with the graciousness you all have given, so I don't lightly do so. After reading so many caring posts from you all, however, I thought this might be a safe place. I was right.

    RandyJoe, I totally agree with you. NOBODY should have to live in those conditions no matter what the reason. Thank you for doing what you did for him. It was very thoughtful and caring of you!
  • March 20, 2011 5:06 PM PDT
    This was one of the most touching posts I have seen from you folks and I am proud to know you all even if you are only words on paper. I was good to hear both sides of the story and we are all proud of what Randyjoe does and for RFKleader for sharing his story. God Bless You Webby
    • 3006 posts
    March 21, 2011 4:10 AM PDT
    Good post RandyJoe!!! Its only by example that we learn to live our lifes in a meaningfull fashion, we need more people willing to set the good example,kudo's to you for taking the steps to do that.I know have about 1000% more respect for your profession now !!! no more "stiff" jokes !!!
    • Moderator
    • 1516 posts
    March 21, 2011 6:39 AM PDT
    RFKleader wrote...
    Thank you all for your kind words of affirmation. When I risk sharing my experience, it isn't always met with the graciousness you all have given, so I don't lightly do so. After reading so many caring posts from you all, however, I thought this might be a safe place. I was right.

    RandyJoe, I totally agree with you. NOBODY should have to live in those conditions no matter what the reason. Thank you for doing what you did for him. It was very thoughtful and caring of you!


    Just reminds us that "The Best People Are On Cyclefish"

    • 580 posts
    March 21, 2011 7:30 AM PDT
    Wow what a post - certainly made me think!

    RandyJoe what you did was just plan awesome - and you're right nobody should live their last days in such squalor.

    RFK thank you so much for sharing your experiences - it's easy for us to forget when we see these things that there is a real person behind such stories. I'm glad you managed to get the help you needed and have a family that support you.

    Ride safe and free and the world is definitely a better place with the folk on cyclefish (o:
    • 2 posts
    March 22, 2011 3:23 AM PDT
    Randy Joe:
    You did a good thing lad, sincerely, thank you from the bottom of my heart

    RFKleader:
    Hellu'va honest thing to put in a pulbic forum, made me think - thank you too
  • March 22, 2011 8:19 AM PDT
    RFKleader wrote...
    Thank you all for your kind words of affirmation. When I risk sharing my experience, it isn't always met with the graciousness you all have given, so I don't lightly do so. After reading so many caring posts from you all, however, I thought this might be a safe place. I was right.

    RandyJoe, I totally agree with you. NOBODY should have to live in those conditions no matter what the reason. Thank you for doing what you did for him. It was very thoughtful and caring of you!

    Your welcome my biker brother...And this site is full of caring people...I once shared a drinking/riding experience and not one person judjed me, However everyone that responded,   responded  with respect/love n concern
    RandyJoe...Ride Strong...

    PS...I've never behaved like that since...