So I'm at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Now that you've read this I have to confess, I copied it now copy and share make someone else laugh....Have a Great Week!!

I busted out laughing when I read this,my wife came into the cave and asked what was so funny, so I read her your post. When I finished reading, her response was" the look" and she walked off! I think she was that woman in line behind you! lol, Have a great day.

HaHa. Now that's funny!

True story, swear on a stack
Long-long-ago, when mastodons walked the land I worked security part time.
On one of my jobs my task was mostly to keep the druggies from congregating around a fast-food restaurant.

Kids ragged on my a lot for not being a user but were pretty harmless. (Their dealers = Another story)

Asked one kid - Hey kid, you ever try main-lining Mr. Clean?"

No fool, kid says - "What's it like?"
.

lol

careful what ya say to kids... back in high school (long long time ago in a galaxy far far away).. a buddy thought it would be cool to main line JD for a quick cheep drunk... put him in the hospital for over a week...

OMG that is too funny. I read this aloud to my husband and we both laughed hysterically

When I'm not tired .....probably tomorrow morning at work, I'll crack up laughing and then have to explain my private humor!

Funny dude! I liked it!

someone once said, "There are no stupid questions..." which only proved there are also stupid statements!

yeah, gotta stay away from those poodles...
oh, Mr Smoke... ain't proud of it but it happened to me, over 30 yrs ago. I didn't wind up in the hospital but I DID figure out it was more fun to just drink my Jack... justsayin...
Edgeman

I gotta remember that one about the dog food.
I have been known to pull a fast one or two.

I really love doing it when I act like people are not listening but I know they really are.

One of my fav's when I call my wife while in a public place.
"I your husband home?" Of course he isn't, he is me.
I then continue with, "Ok, I'll be there in a bit"

Sometimes I throw in a, "But he will never catch me because I always know where he is."

It is always funny to watch jaws drop. And then the whispers start.

Ya, really gotta watch us old guys because we will mess with your mind.

Ahhh, what old guys will do for fun.

This is a true story....I'm not starting it out with "Well there we were".  About 2 years ago while at work I was having a hectic day ( I work in retail for a large home improvement company) and this nice looking elderly lady came to my desk and asked for my advice. She told me she had a couple of white wooden posts at the edge of her property and that they needed painting again. She had a quart of flat white exterior paint in her cart and wanted to know if that would work on her posts. I looked at the paint and told her I was sure it would work just fine.

She then says "BUT MY POSTS ARE ROUND AND THIS SAYS FLAT WHITE" and she again asks If I'm sure it will work. Being just one of those days, I couldn't help but tell her "It will work fine...it's in a round can." She was being serious!! She thanked me and off she headed toward the cash register. 

Great comeback Guero. I love messing with people when they ask dumb questions...

We get together quite often with neighbors to watch Monday Night Football. One game one of the ladies asked why on the end of the on-screen score bar it had MNF in big letters. I told her they were playing the game for the charity Monkeys Need Food. A group that helps the monkeys in Africa who our loosing their food sources due to development of the land. (somehow monkeys need food just popped into my head)

Now every Monday she tells anyone who hasn't watched a game with us before about how their playing the game for this great charity, Monkeys Need Food. You should see the look on peoples faces when she tells them this, so we pull them aside and tell them the story. Next week I'm gonna tell her to watch Sunday Night Football because they are playing for the sister charity Squirrels Need Food.

Well, that is why I don't watch football on Monday. I am not for sending aid to some animal in a foreign country when we have so many homeless and hungry squirrels at home.  That is why I say gooooo, Sunday Night Football.

Something I actually did once. Many years ago my wife loved to tinker so she bought an old bicycle to fix up. I offered to get her a new one but she insisted  about her fixing up the old one.

She proceeded to sand it down, repaint it from stem to stern and was doing a very nice job with it. She went to the local bike shop to buy some new tires but she got the wrong size. I came in from work one evening and while I was sitting in the tub enjoying a good soak she went about telling me how her project was going. She told me about the new tire but they were too big for the rim. Without missing a beat I went about telling her how cheaply bicycle tires were made. I explained all the maladies about poor quality control in the process of making the tire and how some of them came out too big.

I instructed her to go back to the bike shop and get a can of "tire alum". She asked what that was so I began to explain how you just put the tire around the rim, paint it with "tire alum" and the tire would draw up to fit the rim. The conversation ended at that point.

I carefully entered the house the next day expecting to get shot or something but nothing happend so I just kept my mouth shut about the tire alum.  About a week later she informed me the people at the bike shop did not know what tire alum was. Me and my dad both broke out in tears with laughter.

I suppose I should count myself lucky they did not sell her a can of some worthless goo for $300.00.

LMAO good post & great responses