I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"and other names at me,
just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although,
they do make me look a bit gay.
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl
in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before
you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick
It's great though. It provides me with everything i need -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.."
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife
is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
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A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
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My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated
but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
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My wife has been missing a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to the Smith Family to get all of her clothes back.
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I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod
after realizing that "i-Touch Kids" is not a good product name.
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The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked
if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .
I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
I could use an enlarger where can I git one??
